


Small

by Katiebug445



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Negative Self Talk, Self-Hatred, one day I'll learn how to edit things i promise, unedited
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-16
Updated: 2019-01-16
Packaged: 2019-10-11 01:57:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,300
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17437706
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Katiebug445/pseuds/Katiebug445
Summary: Armin looks in the mirror and sees a lot of things he doesn't like. Mid-breakdown, Jean finds him and tries to explain that he loves all the things Armin doesn't. Whether Armin believes him or not is a different story.





	Small

“You… You a - are…” Armin stared at himself in the mirror, blue eyes staring back at him as he fought against bile rising in his throat. He darted over every inch of his face, trying to find anything he could say about himself that wasn’t negative, any kind of compliment that he could come up with, even a superficial one. “What are you?” He asked himself in desperation. Armin took a breath, scanning his own face again and pointing out hundreds of things that he didn’t like - his too big eyes, his too small nose, too thin lips… - and felt repulsed. He let his shoulders relax a little, and with defeat in his eyes, he glanced at himself again, and told his reflection with perfect confidence, “You’re disgusting.” 

 

Armin let his hands slip from the sink, and he left the bathroom with what felt like a hole in his chest, and went to sit on his bed.  _ You’re disgusting  _ he echoed back to himself,  _ How anybody could find you as anything other than pathetic, I don’t know.  _ Armin wrapped his arms around his middle, trying to cover himself just a bit more, and swallowed around the lump in his throat.  _ You’re too small.  _

 

Too small. He’d always been too small. The other guys in his friend group were all damn near perfect. Reiner and Bertholdt were  _ huge,  _ built for football, and they were good at it. Connie and Eren both played baseball, and were the fastest on the team. And Jean… 

 

Well, Jean was a soccer star. And a damn good one, at that. Jean himself was just damn good, period. 

 

Tears slipped through his closed eyes, and Armin finally allowed himself to cry, trying in vain to be quiet about it so nobody would hear him. He was spending the weekend with the others at Jean’s house, and desperately needed a break from them for a moment. 

 

He’d taken refuge in the taller boy’s room, and was hit with an incredible amount of self-hatred and he nearly drowned in. Then he remembered a technique Jean had told him about months ago: Look yourself in the mirror and say one good thing about yourself. And mean it. 

 

Well, he’d gotten the second part right, at least. 

 

A whimper escaped his throat, and Armin curled in on himself just a bit more, hating himself that much more for realizing that he was  _ still  _ missing from the group.  _ Not like anybody’s wondering where you are, though.  _ He told himself. Armin ended up in a ball, knees tucked up to his chest, and wept. 

 

“Armin?” Came a voice after a moment. “You in there, buddy?” It was Jean. Of course it was Jean. 

 

“Y - Yes?” Armin replied, furiously wiping at his eyes. 

 

The door opened, and Jean was there, in front of him, mouth open as if he was going to speak, but then saw the look on his face. “Everything okay?” 

 

“I -” The blond stopped, thinking better of himself, unable to actually lie to the other boy, and uncurled himself. “No. No, it’s not.” 

 

Quietly, Jean shut the door behind him, making his way over to the bed, and sat down beside the smaller boy. “Talk to me.” 

 

Armin had no idea where to even  _ start.  _ Thousands of thoughts were competing to get out first, all fighting for dominance on the tip of his tongue and overlapping so much that Armin just remained silent. He stared straight ahead, trying to find something to say, and let his shoulders fall. “I… don’t… like myself.” He finally admitted. 

 

“What about you don’t you like?” Jean asked gently. 

 

Another hundred thoughts all flared up at the same time, all wanting to get out, but, again, he didn’t know where to begin. “Is it too cliche to say everything?” 

 

“No, but, I kinda need specifics here.” 

 

_ You shouldn’t bring this up.  _ He thought.  _ He’s gonna see how stupid you are.  _ Armin took a breath, still not taking his eyes off the wall, and said, “I don’t like my eyes.” 

 

“Armin.” 

 

“I know. But they’re too big. I don’t like it.” 

 

Jean got up and stood in front of the smaller boy, taking his face in his hands, and forced him to look up. “Armin Arlert, you listen to me. Your eyes are fine. They’re big, and bright, and they’re full of kindness for everyone.” Jean swallowed, thinking for a couple seconds about something before leaning in, pressing a kiss to one of the blond’s eyebrows. “What else?” 

 

“My - My nose.”

 

“That’s total bullshit, but what about it?” 

 

“It’s small.” 

 

“It’s perfect.” Jean argued, leaning down and pressing his lips to the tip of Armin’s nose. “I love your nose. What else?” 

 

“Lips.” 

 

“No.” Jean then pressed a kiss to them. 

 

“They’re thin.” 

 

“Nope.” Another kiss. 

 

“Jean…” 

 

“What else?” 

 

Armin paused, not knowing exactly how to voice his next concern, but not wanting to keep Jean waiting forever. He was hyper aware of how tiny he was next to - or  _ under  _ \- the other boy, as he was right then, and it made him feel worse.  _ “Me,  _ Jean. Just  _ me.  _ I’m…small. Too small.” 

 

“Armin, what’s  _ wrong  _ with that? Why is you being small a bad thing?” 

 

“Because… It just  _ is.”  _

 

“ _ Why _ ?”

 

“Because I really, really like you, and the last thing I want is for you to feel weird about being with me, because there’s so much of a height difference, and I’m really small, and--” 

 

_ “Armin.  _ Calm down. Please.” Jean stood back a little, eyes scanning over the blond’s frame for a moment, and shook his head. “Do you really think I feel weird about that stuff?” 

 

“I don’t know.” 

 

“Because I don’t. I don’t see you as being so much shorter than me, or  _ small  _ in general. I see you as  _ Armin.  _ And I happen to really, really like who Armin is -  _ exactly  _ how he is. I think he’s handsome, and sweet, and god, he has this cute little button nose that always needs kissed, and he’s the perfect size to be hugged at all times, and--”

 

“Alright, I get it.” 

 

“Do you?” Jean asked, sitting back down beside Armin. “Because it doesn’t look much like it to me. It looks like you’re just trying to get me to stop telling you the truth.” 

 

“Is it the truth, though?” 

 

“Have you  _ ever  _ known me to lie, Armin?” 

 

The blond shook his head. “No. You’re  _ very  _ honest.” 

 

“Then why don’t you believe me?” 

 

“I don’t know.” 

 

“Do you really not know, or are you just saying that?”

 

“Both?” 

 

“Well, then I guess I’ll have to keep annoying you about it until you  _ do  _ believe me.” Jean leaned out, cupping the smaller boy’s face in his hand, and brushed his thumb across his cheek. “You really  _ are  _ handsome, you know? Even if you don’t think so.” 

 

Heat rose up into the blond’s cheeks, though he didn’t say anything. Instead, he scooted over closer to the taller boy, wrapping his arm around him, and lay his head on Jean’s shoulder. After a moment, he could feel the other boy’s lips on his hair, and Armin shut his eyes, not wanting to leave that moment for a long time. 

 

Jean always made things feel a little easier. He didn’t fully believe what he was saying, but being wrapped up in the taller boy’s arms, it made it a little easier to think it  _ might  _ be the truth. That Jean really  _ didn’t  _ mind things the way Armin’s mind tried to make him think. Jean made him think, for a brief moment, that his nose wasn’t too tiny, or his eyes too big, or any of the other stuff. 

 

Armin glanced up and met Jean’s eyes, and thought to himself that maybe being small wasn’t such a bad thing after all. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading. I know this probably seems like a jumbled up mess, as it's unedited and kinda sloppy. I wrote this as a way to vent my own frustrations at myself, which is why it probably doesn't make much sense.


End file.
